It was bad enough when she moved into my neighborhood with her family. The latest drama is that evil ex-girlfriend started coming to my church! Last Sunday, we returned to church after a break in the summer. And there she was with her baby number 2 and her wife. Jen works on Sundays so I take the kids by myself. I was so distressed I called Jen who was appropriately appalled by the situation.
But I figured, don’t panic. It’s ok. People check out churches. In fact, it took me nearly two years to decide on this one.
This morning, I was getting ready and I just had this irrational urge to look as good as I could. But I was having a bad hair day, and every outfit I tried on either didn’t fit or needed some repair. It was getting later and later. In a panic, I threw one my favorite (dirty) sundress and a cashmere sweater. I grabbed a purse I bought in Florida. In other words, I looked insane. Please, Jesus, make her cross the street and worship with the Episcopalians. Please.
Of course she showed up looking annoyingly put together even though she has a newborn. But I decided not panic. It was going to be fine. Viv was atSunday school. Just before the communion, everyone sing the kids into the congregation. She marched down the aisle declaring “I’m pooping!”
And she was. She moved over the end of the aisle and squatted. It was time for communion, so I figured my son and I could go up while she hangs back. But she was having none of that. Still squatting, she waddled like a duck and pushed her way to the front. She then squatted in front of the minster to finish her business. If anyone tried to move her, there was hell to pay. There was nothing for me to do than sit back and wait for her to be done.
She would not move until after church was over and everyone was leaving. Folks, there is a God, and He hates me.