I had a nightmare a few years back. In it, I decided to attend a church service. But as soon as I sat down in the pews, the church ladies ran up to me and forced me onto a committee. It was a real pain in the ass committee too. I was shown a closet full of boiled eggs, and my job was to paint little crosses on all of them. In my dream, I started screaming, “THIS IS WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO COME TO CHURCH.”
Now, if you read this and thought, “What’s so scary about that?” I can guarantee that you have never joined a mainline Protestant church. Because if you have ever joined a mainline Protestant church, you would have very quickly been asked to do, Just This One Thing. And it will probably be a somewhat charming task like bringing flowers for the altar or letting your child serve as an acolyte. But then it would one other little thing. And then you would notice no one organizing coffee hour, so you took that upon yourself as well. Then you are on committees. In fact, you are at the church a few times a week. Church has become a part time job, only your not getting paid. Next thing you know, you can’t sleep because you are worried about what is going to happen at the vestry meeting. Then one Sunday, the alcoholic rector tears you a new one in the sacristy because you laid out her winter alb instead of her summer alb. You didn’t mean too, of course, it just that they are both white and look EXACTLY ALIKE. Once she is done, the bitchy warden is tapping his toes at you because you didn’t update the church web site just yet.
And you think, Screw Jesus. I’m sleeping in on Sundays.
Now, I was going to write a post about why I decided to go back to church. And how I decided on what church to go to. But I don’t want to offend anyone. I try to keep it pleasant around here. So for the purposes of this story, just know that the kids and I have been going to church.
And I couldn’t help but notice that no one had signed up to bring the “Sweets” for coffee hour. I really like to bake so I thought, why not? I knocked myself out too. I made chocolate chip cookies, pink cupcakes and a cake.
But when I dropped them off on Sunday, I noticed that there were already cupcakes laid out. Stop N Shop cupcakes. pfft.
A church lady strolled in and said no one had signed up for today so she ran out to gets some things. I looked on the calendar, and of course, I got the day wrong. The church lady apologized for the mix up.
I said, “It’s ok. I really like to bake.”
“Oh how nice!” she responded, “Have you thought about joining the Hospitality committee? We met once a month….”
That’s right. I’m on a church committee.