Prayer to St. Anthony
St. Anthony is the saint whose intercession you invoke when you lose things. As you can imagine, I invoke St. Anthony quite frequently. I have an image of myself going to heaven and running into him. He’ll get agitated and start throwing things at me:
HERE ARE YOUR LOST KEYS!
HERE IS THAT VERY IMPORTANT PAPER!
HERE IS YOUR CREDIT CARD FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME!
I have to say, praying to St. Anthony works surprisingly well. So I thought perhaps I could get him to help me find some other stuff.
Saint Anthony, perfect imitator of Jesus, who received from God the special power of restoring lost things, grant that I may find:
Lost Opportunities. I have seemed to completely misplaced my career. I know that when I was young I was told that this would happen. My head was always full poetry and thoughts of kissing girls (neither a terribly profitable occupation), when I should have been studying a hard science, or auditioning for a reality show. But perhaps you could locate a job or two for me?
My waistline. This one got misplaced as I was tending to the babies. When I was younger I could skip a meal and lose ten pounds. Now, I hardly have a chance to eat. Yet, I have to endure lectures from my doctor about the risk of a heart attack. I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.
My ability to read a full paragraph. I am blaming this one on twitter. Law school may have something to do with this too. But I can’t seem to read an actual book anymore. It’s distressing. If it is over 140 characters and is cohesive, my mind wanders. I am afraid my ability to watch television may be next.
As least restore to me peace and tranquility of mind, the loss of which has afflicted me even more than my material loss.
PS – if this works, I am totally getting knocked up again and naming the kid Tony. Girl or Boy.