Dyke Drama

In the midst of finals and job anxiety, I’ve been able to distract myself with a little bit of dyke drama.

When I first moved to Boston, I fell madly in love with a girl who was from Jersey, and a complete pain in the ass. She was so closeted that she couldn’t even say the word “lesbian.” We were just two girls hanging around, not up to anything, except when we were having sex.

She loved to eat oatmeal and toy with my affections. One minute I was brilliant, the next, I was boring. It drove me to distraction, and the whole thing ended badly. In fact, I ended up in rehab. Nearly fourteen years later, I am still sober.

I would see her every now then. She is feminine, and frankly, I figured she would end up married to a man.

Well, guess who just moved into the gayborhood with her new wife and baby. Yes! Jersey girl. She’s joined the local lesbian moms group, and I see her pushing her stroller out on the street.

I find this totally distressing, but I can’t get anyone interested in it. Jen’s too tired from breastfeeding in public (that’s kind of inside joke) and otherwise taking care of the baby. Virgin doesn’t care unless it involves a midget. Or a Lohan. At any rate, she doesn’t care.

Now, in addition to worry about getting a job, and completing my bar application, I am freaked out every time I walk down the street.

There are a few things I need to remember (1) I was here first (2) I’ve been married longer and (3) my kids are cuter.


17 thoughts on “Dyke Drama

  1. Sounds like immersion therapy. Ick. I have to say I would be annoyed beyond belief. I think it’s normal. Does she just go about her business, seemingly unaffected by your proximity? Are you absolutely convinced that it is not even a blip on her radar? Convince yourself that you are FABULOUS every day before you leave until it doesn’t annoy you soooo much. It’s a good exercise anyway!

  2. This is the stuff my nightmares are made of! This girl is infiltrating your otherwise happy world!

    I do have a small idea of how you feel. Moving to Pretty Big City was cathartic for me in part bc an ex that I am emotionally healthier for *not* running into does not live here. If such ex suddenly showed up in my neighborhood, I would probably require shock therapy.

    Hang in there! (And look fabulous when leaving the house!)

  3. Virgin doesn’t care!? Ha! Virgin is just waiting for the actual dyke drama to occur. Right now, there’s just too much set up. Virgin is waiting for the hair-pulling or the name-calling (especially in an awful Jersey accent) or for Jen to erupt in a fit of jealousy. When any of that happens, call Virgin. Call Virgin right away.

  4. Ugh. Why don’t exes understand they should just fall off the planet when you break up? 13 years post-relationship for me, and I still shudder when some mention of my ex’s “band” pops up in my Facebook feed. Yuck.

  5. @Susan Shea – that’s just it. How dare she go about her life completely indifferent to my location.

    @Juliet – I’m so glad I could count on the lesbians to get this!

    @virgin – I promise you, if the organic baby food starts flying, I will call you.

    @Proto attorney – totally. If our ex loves can’t have the courtesy to go and die somewhere, they should at least be willing to join a religious order in some alien land.

  6. As someone who is consistently traumatized by the real life playing out of the stereotypical lesbians stay friends with their exes drama, I totally feel for you. I, for one, am not really a friends with exes sort of gal, but my girlfriend is. Has she seen you yet? Have y’all conversed?

    • Why? Why do that?

      I love facebook because I get to watch my first boyfriend use social media to tell his wife to pack up the RV for them and their five kids.

      THE RV!

      Exes are gone for a reason, no?

  7. @(In)Sanity Gal – Jen and I are exactly like you. We aren’t friends with any of our exes. We believe in this model. We did run into each other on the street. She gave me a cheerful and totally indifferent “hi.”

  8. I care very much for the dyke drama. I’m with the Proto Attorney. Exes are supposed to fall off the planet when you break up. I hate all the incestuous playdate meet ups with everyone a girl has been with, their partners, their children. It’s just icky. I about had a tantrum downtown at a festival in the muck of my ttc days when I saw a big bad ex running around with her very pregnant belly bare. She never wanted kids and would frankly make a terrible mother. Let’s just feel bad for the kids and yes, ours will always be cuter.

  9. @Sarah – that’s part of what is tripping me out. I just can’t imagine her as a mother. I really can’t. But, it’s been fourteen years and people do change.

  10. Remember in Gone with the Wind when Scarlett doesn’t want to attend the ball because she is so worried that everyone will be talking about her? She goes any way and just faked her way through it by acting indifferent. I say rent Gone with the Wind, watch Scarlett’s moves and just go Scarlett O’Hara on her ass next time you see her.

  11. I had a relationship that went south the summer before law school began. The kind of ending I like to call a “scorched-earth breakup.” The other party involved moved to Boston. Not my corner of Boston, thankfully, but still.

    I still sometimes hope he’ll end up with a girl who cooks like his mother.

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