I lied about being gay!


When will my husband be home?

When will my husband be home?

First of all, thank-you everyone for your heartfelt congratulations. We are really excited. Jen is 5 weeks pregnant. She goes for her first ultrasound on Monday. We will have more details then.

So, for the first time in a long time, I lied about my sexuality. It’s really important to me that I am out. I am a little obnoxious about it. If you meet me, it is probably the first thing you learn about me. Then you will hear about my tic tax obsession.

People tell me that I don’t look like a lesbian. I disagree. I think I am exactly what a lesbian looks like. It’s another post, but femme women who smugly talk about how they pass for straight annoy me. Because fuck you. It’s not better to look femme as oppose to looking like a dyke. It is just more socially acceptable. But whatever. I have longish hair, and I have dropped a dime on French manicures, and people think I’m straight.

We had a string of burglaries in the neighborhood, and this door to door salesman comes a knockin’. He starts talking about the alarm system he is selling. But then my brain starts going, and I think “But what if you are actually the burglar? Wouldn’t this be a clever way to get into my house?” So then, he asks to speak to my husband! And I got scared. I thought if he knew that I didn’t have a husband, there would be a big X on house. X as in this is a good place to break into.

So, I lied. I said my husband was at work at the hospital until late which was partly true, because Jen is working at the hospital. But if I was going to lie, why did I stop there? Why didn’t I tell him my husband was at the morgue until mid-night? Or he was away on tour with the Drop Kick Murphys?

But I sent him away. I told him I couldn’t make a decision without my man. I need to stop reading the Christian Housewife blogs.

Update: Jen is mad at me. Not because I lied. But because she thinks the dude was actually up to no good. And I may or may not have told him that I thought our basement was easy to break into. Why or why didn’t I tell him I was married to a cop?


14 thoughts on “I lied about being gay!

  1. Yeah, this sounds fishy. But to be honest, I probably would have said the same thing. I am not above faking hetero-ness for personal safety.

  2. I just tell those dudes that the hubby is in his fifth detox for misuse of steroids but his weightlifter pals come over all the time in their wifebeaters and doc martins and if the salesman wants to hang, I’m sure someone will be by any second.

    Or I tell them he is on his way home from a gun show.

    This is a game I call see the saleswimp scamper.

  3. You look like a lesbian to me! Or, er, well – um, your website looks like a lesbian – oh, whatever. I don’t know what you look like but I’m sure it’s very lovely.

    And there is no shame in lying about having strong men about the house. Feminist, lesbian, straight, Christian, or all four (!), we chickies cannot deny that we are usually the physically weaker sex, and when it comes to wrestling burglars, boys have the upper hand.

    Do you have any brothers who would camp out on your sofa for a bit?

  4. I know someone else in JP who got that – and he actually let them in to install it. I could have killed him.

    However, apparently, it is a real alarm company, as he has already mistakenly set it off and the police have showed up.

    I think what’s probably the most suspicious part is the “Free installation with low introductory monthly rate”. I’m betting they don’t rob his house, but his bank account one day when the rate suddenly skyrockets without any warning and becomes non-refundable.

  5. I’m also one of those gay girls who no one things is gay – well, really perceptive people know. But it is one of those things where it’s just how I am – no trying to be femme or anything. I just am. And though I’m out everywhere, I have those panicky moments sometimes where I freeze up. And I think it is sometimes because I don’t look that gay – no one would ever just come up with it on their own. I always have to share. People always assume that I’m straight. It doesn’t bother me I guess, but I think sometimes it makes it a little difficult.

    Also, door to door alarm system salesmen creep me out.

  6. It reminds me of when the RR was canvassing for Prop 8 here. They went to my (straight) brother’s door and he told them he’d be sure to vote for Prop 8 even though his boyfriend would kick his ass.

    How I love that brother of mine.

  7. It doesn’t sem to me that you were lying about your sexuality–more of a self-protective white lie kind of like “Sorry you can’t come in, I have a 95 pound pit bull in here who likes to eat people.” Fake husband = fake pit bull and does not impact your outedness.

    Congrats on the baby!!

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