Our little dog just got hit by a car. I know some people don’t understand, but I loved that dog. She was like our little girl.
Jen had taken her out to pee. We have a little back area. For her last pee, we usually would run her out really quick. She’s always been good. But today, she went and got a hair cut (which she hates). I think she was upset and just decided to go for a run. Jen came running up the stairs and was hysterical. I knew as soon as I saw Jen that it was something about Calliope. I went running out the door and down the street. You always have that half second where you think maybe it’s going to be ok, but as soon as I saw her I knew she was dead. I went hysterical. The criminal defense lawyer who lives next door came running out to make sure we were ok. It was just awful.
And the worse thing is that I feel so guilty. For the first few years we had her, it was 3 walks a day on a leash. But then I had the baby and things were chaotic. And then I went back to school, and I was neglecting her. We just got lazy. We would just run her outside to pee at night. I’d give anything to take her on a walk now.
I just feel like law school has taken me away from everything that is important. And my dog was important. I should have taken her on more walks, and did less studying. This has been a big wake up call for me. There are more important things than grades.
Between the car accident, not getting pregnant and now this, Jen and I have had a run of bad luck. I am legitimately scared that something else bad is going to happen.
I just can’t believe I am never going to see her again. P is still upset about the cat we put down in November. He didn’t wake up, so he doesn’t know yet. I am not looking forward to telling him
This is where I reveal myself to be the flake that I am, but I am so worried that her little soul is confused about what is happening. When my mom died, I read the Tibetan book of the living and dying. It said that souls hang around for the first 40 days after the body dies. So I said a little prayer to her tonight, and I told her how much I love her, and how happy I am that she was in my life, and that I am a better person for it. It’s time now for her to continue her journey.
One of my favorite movies is Angels in America. At the end one of the movie, the Mary Louise Parker character says, “Nothing is lost forever.” Sometimes I need my mother. And when I do, I picture her in my heart. I think about how her love formed me. She is never really gone because I am changed forever because of her. I have Calliope in my heart too.