She falls a part, and then gets sewn back together again

For many years, I dated a drug addict even though I was sober. We were on again and off. When we would break up, I would get these horrible feelings, like I was just about to fall off the face of the earth. I don’t think that these feelings had anything to do with her. I think these were old feelings from my childhood having to do with someone I love choosing a substance over me.

This whole OCI experience has been more emotional than I thought it would be. Its like all of the stress and competition and nastiness of the last year just overwhelmed me. I was experiencing a lot of the same feelings that I had when the girlfriend and I would break up. I felt overlooked, and I was getting depressed.

I had a revelation in all of this. A friend of mine said to me, “You don’t really want one of these jobs, you just want to be offered.” I chewed on this for a while.

Then, I had a breakthrough. It doesn’t matter so much whether I get one of these firm jobs. What I really needed was for these horrible feelings to stop. I stopped praying to get a job, and I have been praying for my Higher Power to remove my fear. I have been feeling much better.

My last two interviews are with prestigious firms. I don’t meet their requirements. I am not in the top 25% of the class and I am not on law review. I am not really sure why they want to talk to me.

I will go to the last two and see them as practicing answering questions under stress. I will show up for the call back. If I don’t get a job at a firm, I will try and get one in the government. If I am really honest with myself, I am way more interested in working for the DAs or the AGs office than a Vault 100 firm. It’s just the money! I made more as an administrative assistant than I would as a DA.

If none of the above works, then I will throw myself on the mercy of the CDO. Or maybe become a baker, because I make some rockin’ cupcakes.


10 thoughts on “She falls a part, and then gets sewn back together again

  1. Best of luck! I know what you mean about the money. My top choice firm pays about half of what the top-top firms pay, which, while it’s twice what I made before law school, still has to cover 1000% more student loan payments :-/ And the summer jobs? I mean, not with the big money firms? I made more money answering phones. 😉

  2. Great post. I was wondering if you really wanted one of these jobs. Having worked for a hiring committee partner of a BigLaw firm for several years, I know how their evil little minds work. Woman? Bonus!! Lesbian? Double-check!! (Please don’t take that the wrong way – not intending to devalue your excellent grades and work skills, just saying that a lot of these firms are seriously playing a numbers game and screwing young, naive associates (especially female/minority) over in the process.) I’m glad you are taking it for what it is and letting your Higher Power remove that stress for you. ((((HUGS))))

    I also empathize with the feelings you’re having/had. My therapist likens what I’m going through to being with a substance abuser (codependence and all that) and actually has me following an Al-Anon-like program. Fun stuff to lift up and look at those feelings. Ugh.

  3. Mmmmm. Cupcakes.

    You might be the world’s most overqualified baker, but the hours are pretty good. If you are an early riser (ha ha ha. tiny little baker’s joke).

  4. I read your blog as often as possible and know, though we are strangers, you inspire me. Your dedication to know yourself and be ok with what is is a reminder for me as well. You’ll be FANTASTIC at whatever you choose. It’s fun to sit and contemplate what we will become when we grow up 🙂

  5. Trust me–you do NOT want to work at a big law firm.

    Serenity and big law firms do not mix.

    Go into government–modest pay but no billing and you don’t have to sell your soul–as much.

  6. BWAHAHAHA to Greg.

    I, for one, worked at several different big law firms and I, too, can assure you that they suck horribly. HORRIBLY. All of them. I don’t care how much they claim to be a “different type of firm culture.” THey all have annoying intra-firm politics and boring cases that nobody wants to work on and that the only people who win are the lawyers. I will never ever EVER work for one again!

    That being said – I refused to do the interview process for firms (in part because I was already working at one and also because I planned on NEVER WORKING AT ONE AGAIN). I fully embrace the government gig!

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