I am not much of a crier, but I do hyperventilate

I hyperventilate when I am panicked, and I’ve been slightly panicked over OCI. I entered into law school thinking that I will do something with the government or maybe public interest. I decided to go through the OCI process with all of the big firms just to see what would happen. I did get pick for some interviews, but not a lot. I was only chosen for four interviews, though one of them is really prestigious. I know people who went through 15, 20 or even 30 interviews, only to come up with 1 offer, so my chances of coming out of this with a job offer are not great.

I don’t know why this should be so upsetting, but somewhere along the line I decided I had something to prove. I guess I thought if I got an internship with X firm, it would prove something. To whom? I don’t know…anyone who has ever been mean to me, I guess.

I have been preparing by going to a lot of AA meetings. AA reminds me that if I align my will with the Higher Power’s things will work out just fine. There is a line in the Big Book that says that God is our Employer. And if I just remember that, I am not afraid. I can go on with my life knowing that I am being taken care of. I just need to show up, and let go of the results.

Besides, when I go to meetings, and the guy on my right just got kicked out of his half way house and the girl on my left just lost her kids to DSS, I realize, I am kind of an asshole for even worrying about this. 


13 thoughts on “I am not much of a crier, but I do hyperventilate

  1. Here’s the thing. OCI is such a narrow range of employers, and most of them are not really what you want to do. So look at it as interview practice – I really had my best interviews when I didn’t care that much about getting an offer. If you really want to work at a firm and will just die if you don’t get an offer (I don’t really get that vibe from you, but just saying) get thee to Lavender Law, http://www.lavenderlaw.org/,
    where there are a zillion firms just dying to scoop up the gays. Or just let go and let God. You’ll do great, no matter what.

  2. As one of the people with 20+ OCIs and only one real offer for my summer … I don’t think that your logic is all that sound …

    does it matter? If it’s not what you want to do?

    Because if people get the vibe about your “fit,” it seems to me like it should be at the very least a compliment when the firms say the chemistry is off.


    is it who you want to be? Why do you want them to think it’s who you are?

  3. Hi Butterflyfish – it is scary, no matter what.

    Inlocoparentis – I was told about the Lavendar Law thing, but at the time, going all the way to SF seemed daunting. Now I am wondering if I should have just gone ahead. If I am in trouble for my 3L summer, I will just do it.

    Zuska – I can’t believe that you think my logic is off. As I pointed out, I want to prove…something to …someone…for some reason. Ummm. And whatever, I’m sure working at a big law firm is just the trick.

  4. Googie — your response to Zuska is exactly how I feel about what I went through last fall. “Prove something… to someone…” indeed.

    I love Zuska’s take on it– how its a compliment to you when they sense the chemistry is off. I’d like to believe that. But it doesn’t address that . . . for want of a better phrase ‘need to prove something’

  5. I could not find a Madonna song that worked with this post, though I did try — if you think of one, I’ll add it 🙂

  6. lucky girl – thanks, its a little rough when stand up is your fall back plan to law school.

    Virgin- I am sooo there. D listers and Lesbian prenups and divorces. CA/MA.

  7. I feel your pain with the whole OCI thing. I struggled with it myself and applied for 3 OCIs last year, and only got one interview. Which I bombed. It didn’t go well, because it just wasn’t “me.” I thought that I had to do OCI b/c all the other people on law review would think I was dumb if I didn’t.

    However, it is much harder to get a good government job than it is to get a firm job. There is much less attrition in government and many fewer hours in some cases.

    Don’t do OCI and take a job at some mega-firm to prove anything to someone else. Do it if you want a firm job.

    If what you really want is something else, throw yourself wholeheartedly into that. Be true to yourself. You can do it!

    P.S. I just found your blog today and love it! I am adding you to my links today!

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