Some things I have learned

It sounds like my classmates have been learning a lot on their internships. I think they have been given actual work to do while I have been sitting around like an extra on Law and Order – Petty Criminal Unit.

But I have learned some things.

If find yourself a defendant:

  • Cover up your tattoos. For crying out loud, your liberty is at stake. In fact do yourself a favor and wear a suit. If you don’t have a suit, borrow one.
  • Bring your mother. I think judges like that. If you don’t have a mother, borrow one.
  • Bring your kids. They should be very cute, well behaved and have sad eyes. If you don’t have kids, borrow some. No, you cannot borrow mine.
  • If you are Catholic – wear a rosary. Maybe pray a few decades. If you are not, forget this one.
  • I strongly suspect it helps to be female if you can swing it.

If you are an attorney:

  • Do Not Curse the Judge Under Your Breath. He will hear you and all of the other judges will hear all about it.
  • If you are in a really difficult spot, it may help to cry – if you are a female attorney.

8 thoughts on “Some things I have learned

  1. Dude – crying? Really? I think that gets the tumbs down.

    Though you’ll like this . . . I was in this class and we were broken up into “teams” to argue some stupid issue. So our team got the short end of the stick and had to argue something stupid and the guy who ended up vocalizing our argument tried his best . . . while the other team laughed. At the end somebody said, “I’m impressed you could get through that with a straight face.” To which he responded, “I’m a defense attorney. I can argue anything”

  2. I just read an article about a prosecutor who filed a motion to prevent defense counsel from “crying on command” during closing arguments in a death penalty case. And I was like, “who would do that?!” But apparently this guy has done it a bunch of times and none of his clients have gotten the death penalty.

  3. When I was at court- this mom had her three kids and they were little terrors. If your kids are naughty, maybe better to leave them at home!

    I like your list!

  4. Love it. We have oral args for some big en bancs next week, and I’m hoping to add some bits to your list. What I wouldn’t do to see some tattooed fella cry.

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