36 hours

Jen picked me up from the Boston Library after studying there all day. I got into the car, and when I saw my son, I said what I always say, “I’m so happy to see you!” He grabbed my hand and rubbed it against his cheek and said, “I so appy to ee u!” It was so cute and sweet, and I think that is longest sentenced he has ever spoken.

I’ve been studying a lot and not sleeping much. My dreams have been just crazy. My mom died over ten years ago, and last night she was in my dream. My brothers and  sisters were there too, but they were living in this really depressing, run down house. I was distraught that my mom was living there. I kept asking here if she would be ok. Then she told me she had to drive me back to the airport. We drove down the lonely Arizona highway. We kept passing statutes of Catholic saints. When we got to the airport, there were no planes there. I asked her one more time if it was ok that she was living in that dump, and she said, “Everything in this world can be worked on. You need to get back to your son.” And I turned around, and little guy was there.

When I woke up, I realized that dream was about my life. My mother wasn’t driving me to the airport, she was taking me from my past into my present. But my memories of my mom are still tainted by my resentment about all of the alcoholism in my family. She lives in my mind, but only in the dump of my resentment. But everything can be worked on. The important thing is to let go of the past, and get back to my life.

In less than 36 hours, there will be no more studying for 3 months. It’s going to be 3 months of hot dogs and swimming and swinging on swings.


5 thoughts on “36 hours

  1. You’ve got some DEEP thoughts for a woman in finals! When I was in finals, my deepest thought was something like “Have I already eaten Chipotle today? ‘Cause I’m totally eating it again for dinner if I have.”

    It’s hard when you suddenly realize as a teenager or young adult that your parents who you thought were perfect are flawed. But eventually you get that perspective that you’re talking about . . .

    Anyway, good luck with the end of finals!

  2. Oh my god – yesterday, I would have killed for Chipolte chips. But I took the dog and the baby out for a walk before dinner, and we all fell into a creek, and were sopping wet, so I had to go back into the house and change us. Long and the short, I didn’t get my chips and now I am jonesing for Chipolte.

  3. aww, it’s adorable how little ones start pulling together sentences.

    What an intense dream. You seem to have a handle on its interpretation though, wow. It is important to let go of the past. We have so few moments that it’s important to make each one count by living in the beauty of the present!

  4. I am working through my family stuff too, a little bit at a time. I wish we could undo it, but we can’t, so we learn to make do with what it is. It’s tough.

    What are you doing this summer (besides relaxing)? I don’t think I know.

  5. Hot dogs and swimming and swinging on swings—oh my!

    May the wizard see you through the last final in grand style (and an A) and may the summer be all hot dogs and swimming and swinging!

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