The hard part

I woke up the other night wanting my mother. It felt like a cold wind was blowing through me, and I had no insides, no stomach or guts to shield myself from it.

I thought this was strange, and then I realized my mother passed away 12 years ago today. By a strange coincidence, it is also my father’s birthday, so I guess it makes sense that things are hard.

I have also hit a wall emotionally with school. I was doing pretty well. I am very aware of the fact that it is a privilege to be in an environment where you are presented with interesting ideas, and get to talk with interesting people. But I really miss my old life. I miss my friends and I miss seeing lil’ guy and Jen more regularly. Jen’s been great. She couldn’t be more supportive. But I think the long hours that you end up spending alone, studying, is beginning to depress me. I am also feeling very alienated at the school. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I don’t drink, and rest of them, really really do. It’s not that I want to be more like them. I mean, I have done the drinking thing. Its more that I wish there were more people like me.

But it’s not like I didn’t know it was going to be hard. I did. I guess I just need to take it one day at a time, and get through the hard parts.

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3 thoughts on “The hard part

  1. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. It makes sense though.
    I’m sending you a giant hug and hoping the stress of loss and school let’s you breath a little easier today. You holdling onto a lot so give yourself credit for hanging in there.

  2. Permit me to edit one thought to reflect the thoughts of your peers.

    “I am also feeling very alienated at the school. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I don’t drink, and rest of them, really really do. It’s not that I want to be more like them. I mean, I have done the drinking thing. Its more that I wish there were more people like me.”

    Could read:

    “I am also feeling very alienated at the school. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I drink. It’s not that I want to be more like them. I mean, we do the drinking thing. Its more that I wish there were more people like me.”

    My best guess is that everyone’s having the same feelings, some are just drinking too.

    Chin up darlin’ you’ll be in Chanel suits in no time.

  3. it would be great if all who cared for you could take just a pinch of your troubles from you, what a light load you would have to carry. unfortunate that i can’t take my share for you but i can give you positive vibes…. sending now!!

    so not trying to be stalker creepy, i have read all about you for ages now, so it’s wierd( for you) that i feel like i know you, even though you don’t know me( that’s the creepy bit hehehe), i don’t have a blog, but i just got onto facebook, feel free to look me up, that should even it out!

    best wishes
    chel steenbuck.

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