I am trying to keep my sadness over going back to work from turning into an out and out depression. I am having a hard time. I really want to enjoy my last few days as a SAHM, but honestly, I am fighting some really ugly feelings.
For reasons I don’t understand, going back to work is connected to my feelings about my family’s treatment of me and my son. As I mentioned, most of my immediate family doesn’t even acknowledge his existence. Besides a voice mail left when he was first born, my brother has never called or asked about him. My sister called once, and I haven’t heard from her since.
I have probably thought about my brothers and sisters every day since lil’ guy was born. I always knew that I didn’t come from a very loving family, but it wasn’t until my son was born that I realized how selfish they were.
What does this have to do with going back to work? I don’t know. Other than the fact that what I really want is to stay home but still have enough money to pay the bills, and that just isn’t the reality right now. What I really want is a supportive family, and that isn’t a reality either.
Compounding everything is the fact that I am running a fever and have a stuffy nose. Last night, I really wanted my wife to come home and take care of me. But there was a nurse at the hospital who had made some sort of mistake. She was feeling bad so my wife took her out for ice cream. She didn’t get home until late. I was really feeling sorry for myself by then.
I am just feeling pissy all over.