I found myself thinking a lot about housewife’s comments, so I thought I would put them in their own post Andrew Sullivan style.
1. I had a pink dollar bill the other day, can someone please explain this to me? I hate not being in on the joke.
2. My father was adopted, he was born in Nazi Germany and his mother died either in the camps or during childbirth… too many stories and none of them matter. The point is that he flew all over the world to find his father and please him. He was well into his 50’s before he realized that his father was the man who tucked him in at night.
I think with an honest portrayal of who everyone is genetically that reminds your little guy that parenting is an active action (my father never had that) much angst would be saved.
I’m sure there is wondering aloud and in quiet but perhaps this can be done without pain?
First, I think the most likely explanation for the dollar bill is that it got put in the wash with some red clothes. If there a mass pink bill joke, I’m not in on it.
Second, the story about your father is amazing. I completely agree that parenting is about the actions you take, not who you are biologically. To be honest, I come about this from an intense background. I come from a large biologically family, but we don’t function as a family at all. My father wasn’t a father to me. I really see my first AA sponsor as the woman who mothered me and helped me become the woman that I am. I have five brothers and sisters, but only have contact with my youngest sister. My brothers and sisters, with the exception of the youngest, have shown no interest in my son. And I mean no interest. None. Zip. Two of them have never met him even though he is over a year. They have expressed no interest in meeting him. In fact, have not really acknowledged that he exists. I am not sure that I can ever forgive them. Meanwhile, I have friends who would jump out of bed and come over in the middle of the night if I needed them too. One of his godmothers has a picture of Googie at work. They celebrate his birthday and know when he hit his major developmental milestones. They are all ready to take him to Red Sox games. Personally, I think biology is over rated.
Like I said, I have talked to quite a few kids of gay parents. Some of them seem really interested in their sperm donors, but others not so much. Mostly what I hear expressed is curiosity, not angst. My friend’s daughter, from the New York Times piece, said she wanted to see what he looked like, and then just take it from there. She seems pretty mature for her age. I don’t hear any big expectations from her about what meeting her sperm donor is going to mean for her life.
I did read a piece in the Washington post from a young girl I don’t know. Her mother is a straight woman who used an anonymous sperm donor. You can find it here. She does talk about depression and anxiety about not knowing her biological father. So what I was trying to say is that if my son should experience these feelings, I hope I have dealt with my shit enough to be there for him and help him deal. But maybe he won’t have any feelings about it at all. I have seen that too. As for me, I would not be comfortable if the sperm donor came forward, however, my personal comfort is no longer the most important thing to me. That stopped when lil’ guy came bouncing out of me and into the world.